A Saturated Subconscious

I woke to a rumbling sky drenching everything in sheets of rain and I couldn't bring myself to go back to sleep and miss it. So here I am writing with some coffee. Ahhhhh bliss.

There is something about rain. I've always been in love with it. Sometimes when I hear it bounding off the street I have to go outside. My skin will start to feel a little drier until it begins to dance along me. My soul begins to feel a little more relief. I've been really working on connecting, being more grounded, simpler- happier. To really secure that center I once had. So I let each drop sink into my skin. With the passing time its been working.

My mother used to have to call me in during storms. I never wanted to be under cover when they began.

The more coated I became the less isolated I felt. I was more connected, more sure. A little more strength gained, a sliver of a peace of mind- a silent sigh of relief from my core. I hope those sweet drops soaked through my skin to every last ounce of me. Tanglible or not.

So of course I came inside and began thinking. I've been worried that i've developed a detachment. An indifference. Feelings that were new to someone like me, well to that level at least. Then I realized it's not that at all. Maybe I have grown past the angst, finally, that once infused my daily life. Perhaps i've grown to have a handle on my depression. Grown past the severe attachments and involvements. Who knows where it could develop from here. It may just be a temporary layover of balance that I really needed to gain this amazing sense of calm I now have. That one illusive goal that has always been beyond me until now.

To just be. In and of itself.

But it's always much more. This state of only being, a conundrum within itself. Once you realize you really can just be, it opens into possibilities, it blossoms into taking form. Complexity after the simplicity. Yes. I want to just be. But over passing suns the restlessness of my nature will begin, the thirst, the drive. And I will want something more once again.

To be myself, to retain this ground, this center. Blissful, secure, calm. Zen. Or as close as someone who is neurotic can be. And ecstatically so.

~B.