Its so simple really.

Sometimes things happen in life that make you realize just how much you have grown and changed. I'm so glad that this time I can say I have done so for the better. I feel enlightened and sure and content. The world is never perfect nor is anyone in it, but in my perfect world I could just distance myself from all the negativity and drama. Who knew one day I would be that girl? lol It has been such a struggle to get where I am today, I have fallen down so many times but i'm strong and I have my pride and I stood up each time more tenacious than before.

I have to live my life my way, for myself. And def. for my son.

So now where to go? How to navigate these paths I find myself on. I'm not sure. But I do know I will attain my happiness. I have been through too much and risen above it to just throw it all away now. I will have the life I have always wanted, one way or another. I have always known down into my bones- things have a way of unfolding. 

You are on this journey. Embrace it, grow, learn, love. Enjoy the ride.

~B.

Enjoy

Papa Joe

Well, today was not an easy day. We headed up to camp for a final remembrance. I got dropped off  and was the first there so it was nice to have a little alone time *with* him. Of course, I bawled like a little girl and ended up calling my dad. If you know me, this is no surprise on both counts. Many think i'm a snob or b*tch but i'm just as equally soft hearted, if not a bit more. And i'm not a snob, i'm just guarded. Not the point though. Then, megyn's family begins to arrive. Here I am, little weird girl sitting on a crumbling picnic table by myself in the woods, no vehicle or nothing, crying like I skinned my knees all to hell or something. My internal dialogue I believe was- sh*t sh*t sh*t.-as I hate crying in front of anyone.

Me: Hi. I'm megyn's friend. (sorry i'm making you uncomfortable seeing how you don't know me, im creepin in the woods alone, AND i'm crying.)
Her Uncle: What'd you do parachute in?

Phew. Sense of humor and ice broken. Every time I meet people in her family, I love them. To my surprise there was so much going on and so many people I got myself together, eventually. I didn't cry the rest of the day until I realized the day was over and what we had to do today was behind us. The finality did hit home again (yes Megyn I bawled again, you know how I do lol I can't help it)

So for awhile I was still gulping and my breath was still hitching when she got there, but I didn't get slapped! You see, if I had made Megyn cry she woulda pimp slapped me. lol That's not how they do. And she was so amazingly strong, she def. made him proud. Everyone spread his ashes together and it was beautiful up in the woods. We went back and all ate and spent time together. It was beautiful, one of those days in life that is so sad and yet so amazing.

Sometimes when people take others for granted or hurt people they claim to love, especially family...well I could give a million examples i'm sure- it makes me want to shake them and scream WAKE UP. Don't you realize what you're missing? What you're doing or throwing away? What you take for granted? Days like today and having a father who is so sick myself, I just want to be surrounded by those I love and who love me. No drama, no malice.  If we all spent more time thinking about what truly matters, how different would your time be spent? If you followed your heart, your soul, your gut. If you thought about your actions or your words before they leave your mouth. What if you thought of the other person as if it were you in their shoes?

I'm so proud of you Megyn. You're so much more than you know. I love you.

~B.

So much for not venting

I'm struggling to bite my tongue once again. Why is this an occurance that rears its head? Perhaps because I have surrounded myself with people I just don't mesh well with. I have no interest in your gossip, your lies, or seeing both of your faces(two faced in case you're a little slow.) I have no interest in being controlled or being your mother ( I only had one child last I knew.) or a glorified maid. I have no intention of cooling my heels while you play mind games or while you partake of some odd dominance power trip.

I've spent many years taking people's shit. Quite frankly, I'm someone's mother. If I do not show him how  his mother should be treated- who will? I am the example, the role model. It is up to me to guide him, to show him self-respect.

Point blank: I know who I am. I'm secure in myself and what I stand for. I know my worth. If you don't- not my problem. I don't have time or space in my life for this shit- time is precious.

So get ready for my wrath if you cross me. I'm too old for this.

Working Against Myself

Me: I'm a perfectionist. Will I ever stop editing?

Mom: I hope so. I loved it I don't see why you're still picking it apart.

Me: I'm just so severe on myself.

Mom: And you always have been. 

-Sigh-

Let's hope it pays off. I should be editing. Especially since I feel inspired suddenly.

A little End of Heartache-Killswitch. And stop making distractions so damn appealing!

~B.

Edited Captions

I feel like writing, intensely. But I have nothing to say. So i'm listening to Otep-nein. And waiting for inspiration. I should be going to sleep.

One of my fav. lyrics from her:
*I am made of pages, paragraphs and inspirations
paper girl, burn the world, I pass the flame to you.*

I've been concocting poetry and wondering if after the many years- will I run again? I've never once followed through, regardless of the best of intentions I often have. I walk this line of longing with rejection running along either side.The desires we all hold in our hearts, well mine contain shadows and I always run from them. The things I've always wanted send me into a panic. I know, the past doesn't necessarily set a precedent for the future, only I decide that.

I hope for the sake of this ink ensconced muse- I suppress the panic and follow through.

When you're young, you don't quite believe you'll never be who you are in those moments. But you do change, often profoundly. I always thought of myself as mature and i'm coming to see- I had no idea. Especially emotionally speaking. I realized this when I recently saw someone say- things will never be as they once were. The immediate connotation I went to wasn't exactly negative but it danced with that end of the spectrum. And then I thought, those words are absolutely right.

But what if that simply means- things could be even better.

As a loather of change, it's hard for me to admit different isn't always a bad thing. When I began to think on all of this, I was drawn to the very first line of the novel I wrote. It's a commentary on life being intertwined by free will and destiny simultaneously. What will be will be, ultimately. We decide what we do with what we are given. Sometimes we decide wisely, sometimes foolishly. I've seen this over and over again and I of course have my theories. And then you come to a place in your life with a pretty broad view and the view is breathtaking. Life doesn't begin to end after your youth, it begins to end the moment you're born. So why squander it. Appreciate what you have, unclench your fingers from fate's throat, and realize it's all about the journey. And what may come will come, let yourself breathe. Enjoy the ride.

One final note, for one certain stalker: Never think it's too late to apologize.

My lovelies~ what would I be without you.
~B.