Working Against Myself

Me: I'm a perfectionist. Will I ever stop editing?

Mom: I hope so. I loved it I don't see why you're still picking it apart.

Me: I'm just so severe on myself.

Mom: And you always have been. 

-Sigh-

Let's hope it pays off. I should be editing. Especially since I feel inspired suddenly.

A little End of Heartache-Killswitch. And stop making distractions so damn appealing!

~B.

Edited Captions

I feel like writing, intensely. But I have nothing to say. So i'm listening to Otep-nein. And waiting for inspiration. I should be going to sleep.

One of my fav. lyrics from her:
*I am made of pages, paragraphs and inspirations
paper girl, burn the world, I pass the flame to you.*

I've been concocting poetry and wondering if after the many years- will I run again? I've never once followed through, regardless of the best of intentions I often have. I walk this line of longing with rejection running along either side.The desires we all hold in our hearts, well mine contain shadows and I always run from them. The things I've always wanted send me into a panic. I know, the past doesn't necessarily set a precedent for the future, only I decide that.

I hope for the sake of this ink ensconced muse- I suppress the panic and follow through.

When you're young, you don't quite believe you'll never be who you are in those moments. But you do change, often profoundly. I always thought of myself as mature and i'm coming to see- I had no idea. Especially emotionally speaking. I realized this when I recently saw someone say- things will never be as they once were. The immediate connotation I went to wasn't exactly negative but it danced with that end of the spectrum. And then I thought, those words are absolutely right.

But what if that simply means- things could be even better.

As a loather of change, it's hard for me to admit different isn't always a bad thing. When I began to think on all of this, I was drawn to the very first line of the novel I wrote. It's a commentary on life being intertwined by free will and destiny simultaneously. What will be will be, ultimately. We decide what we do with what we are given. Sometimes we decide wisely, sometimes foolishly. I've seen this over and over again and I of course have my theories. And then you come to a place in your life with a pretty broad view and the view is breathtaking. Life doesn't begin to end after your youth, it begins to end the moment you're born. So why squander it. Appreciate what you have, unclench your fingers from fate's throat, and realize it's all about the journey. And what may come will come, let yourself breathe. Enjoy the ride.

One final note, for one certain stalker: Never think it's too late to apologize.

My lovelies~ what would I be without you.
~B.

Fed

I LOVE WRITING!


I feel so good when I write. This is bliss.

While i'm letting Novel 1 sit until yet another read through, I have already begun a spin off. Yes, you have read correctly. Premature- def. Ambitious- let's hope so. Crazy- perhaps a touch!

The lead character is very creative, always writing and drawing and taking photographs. Etc. and what have you. I like to call this project a thinly veiled biography actually but back on point. So that has been the next project I have been undergoing, a little something to accompany the novels utilizing her creativity. You'll have to wait and see just what they entails.

 Of course it will be impossible to complete any time soon. Ideally this novel will begin a series of novels to follow. So the spin off project will be spanning each of them, if not the entire series. Of course, there could always be more than one, say if novel 1 grows into a 6 book series. I would probably split the content's midsection and have two such creations to fill out the series more thoroughly.

I also wrote some poetry. It had been years. Literally. No wonder my soul hated me. I almost let it run dry.

Til once again, lovelies.
~B.

Moments in Time

My heart is heavy. With every passing day and every passing person it seems these parts of me leave with no chance of being again. People in our lives reside in these time capsules. Places, songs, movies, moments, ages, periods in the frozen memories of our time.

And when we lose someone it feels gone.

My heart aches for her. My heart aches even as it doesn't feel real. My heart aches for what has come and what still awaits me myself. And every memory brings tears but loss is the hardest on those left behind....I know he is soaring.

I miss you megan, if you're reading this. I wish I could ease your pain as simply as I used to. But this isn't then and this is no flesh wound. It's so hard to know what to say or do. Just know I love you.

~B.

A Saturated Subconscious

I woke to a rumbling sky drenching everything in sheets of rain and I couldn't bring myself to go back to sleep and miss it. So here I am writing with some coffee. Ahhhhh bliss.

There is something about rain. I've always been in love with it. Sometimes when I hear it bounding off the street I have to go outside. My skin will start to feel a little drier until it begins to dance along me. My soul begins to feel a little more relief. I've been really working on connecting, being more grounded, simpler- happier. To really secure that center I once had. So I let each drop sink into my skin. With the passing time its been working.

My mother used to have to call me in during storms. I never wanted to be under cover when they began.

The more coated I became the less isolated I felt. I was more connected, more sure. A little more strength gained, a sliver of a peace of mind- a silent sigh of relief from my core. I hope those sweet drops soaked through my skin to every last ounce of me. Tanglible or not.

So of course I came inside and began thinking. I've been worried that i've developed a detachment. An indifference. Feelings that were new to someone like me, well to that level at least. Then I realized it's not that at all. Maybe I have grown past the angst, finally, that once infused my daily life. Perhaps i've grown to have a handle on my depression. Grown past the severe attachments and involvements. Who knows where it could develop from here. It may just be a temporary layover of balance that I really needed to gain this amazing sense of calm I now have. That one illusive goal that has always been beyond me until now.

To just be. In and of itself.

But it's always much more. This state of only being, a conundrum within itself. Once you realize you really can just be, it opens into possibilities, it blossoms into taking form. Complexity after the simplicity. Yes. I want to just be. But over passing suns the restlessness of my nature will begin, the thirst, the drive. And I will want something more once again.

To be myself, to retain this ground, this center. Blissful, secure, calm. Zen. Or as close as someone who is neurotic can be. And ecstatically so.

~B.

The Undertow

I was literally just questioning myself yesterday. But this morning the mystic namelessness that always points us to little signs, little snips of wisdom, gave me the missing piece I needed to be sure.

I love the undertow.

Tomorrow is the 4th, I'm heavily in love with my family and friends, we have two full days of celebration, and I still have my father, who gave so much more than i'll ever know as a proud marine in Vietnam. I am truly blessed and thankful.

Lovelies~
B.

Wasted Time?

It's so crazy what our minds can do when we have a little time to think. I have always been a cerebral person who happens to be ruled by her overly sensitive heart as well. Odd combination. I was really missing people yesterday, in light of what day it was. I kept thinking of how much wasted time I have on my hands. It's not really wasted exactly, I am entirely grateful for every single second with my son. It's just there are people in this world, still with me just not in the flesh, and I feel like all these hours that pass without them are wasted in comparison to being with those I love. Being without equaling waste in this example.

Like i've said with everything with my father, one day becomes now.

It's a strange sensation when time catches up with you.

I did do something productive with myself, prose-wise. I already have a spin off marketable book to go with the series that I haven't even submitted yet, let alone had published! lol I like to think big. I must say my soul is much lighter lately, that seems to happen when I give into my creative nature and really feed my soul. With these endevours I really need to bring it- it being myself.

Full force, unrelenting me, in all of my creative glory. No gloves- the gloves are off. Just these keys and myself. Or perhaps......a pen.

Love
~B.

Bittersweet

I cannot believe how long it has been since my last post!

Well, Winter Solstice I completed the first draft of this novel. So I suppose it is only fitting that I completed the 3rd draft today on the Summer Solstice! I'm averaging about 3 months per draft. The perfectionist in me has my cynical side rolling its eyes at the thought that it could be the final run through but we will see. I don't care how many months it takes, I cannot stop until I am happy with every last page.

I have been reading alot more lately. It feels good. I used to read several books a week, now i'm lucky if I make it through just one! The book I am reading is about life after death, obviously a subject that is heavily on my mind, and deals with astral travel as well. For the past few months I have been having the most vivid dreams, night after night, and always of the same person. Some say the dreamtime state is another existence where time isn't linear- past present and future all exist as one. And in dreams we can access this new layout of time. Who knows.

I also had my first ever attempt at an OBE. I have always been intimidated of them and the control freak inside of me never likes to relinquish control. It was pretty decent. The only downside is I haven't been able to attempt another one since. I did pay a visit to someone in my first attempt, if I was successful- you know who you are.

I must go now, the solstice is calling.

Love.
B.

I don't even want to attempt sleep

Not after everything that happened today. This is the 'net after all and I don't want to fully divulge but I just feel so bottled up inside. I haven't had a moment to myself, a solitary moment for anything to sink in. Until now. The rain is splashing against the windowsills collecting into muted puddles and i'm alone. If I try to sleep I fear the sadness will overtake me. I fear what the darkness will unleash. But if I stare at this screen until the smallish hours of the morning i'll miss out on some much cherished time with my little man. Not to mention i'll feel even worse.

The anxiety today has been enough to turn my stomach into knots and send my limbs shaking. Not eating didn't help and I just need to get it out. I'm afraid I won't be able to stop, to contain myself. I finally dulled my aching mind, who knows what I feel. What I might feel, already do feel, don't want to feel.

A long time coming. It's so odd to always know that someday things will inevitably happen. Then someday becomes now. Before you know it. And everything changes with a snap of time's fingers before you can blink. Nothing will be the same soon.

I just don't want to talk about it over the internet yet I feel something needs to be said, even if i'm the only one who understands what these words mean. And if you ask, I will tell you. At this hour I have no one. No one to tell, no one to talk to. Just me and these keys.

And I don't feel an ounce better..but it does feel right.
~B.

A post on frustration

I just need a little venting. First my mind was working against itself and I couldn't get in a groove.

Then my glasses are bent and i'm out of contacts. Stage two of writers block: failing eyes.

Now- I am sick and running on no sleep.

It is one of the worst feelings ever. I get this feeling right in my veins, begging me to relieve it and WRITE.

Do I have skewed priorities? When I woke at 4...yes 4! I cleaned the kitchen, dining room, did dishes....all after making breakfast and coffee. Now I am hoping to nap while Koel does, a collossally rare event I try to not partake of too often.

Perhaps tonight. Tonight- we write. What about you?

Third Draft

I have decided tonight is the night. I've been thinking about book 2 and really getting excited about writing a few chapters. I'd like to have novel one completed first and hopefully it will go alot faster than the second draft did. I am elated that the excitement hasn't diminished!

I am starting a few new books, complete draft three before spring cleaning mid month, and of course all of this once my role as mother is fulfilled first. :) Enjoy my pretties.

~B.

Second Draft ~ Completion

Finally, the second draft is completed. I can stretch my limbs and rest my mind until the third, and hopefully final, draft. I think I will approach the third draft a little differently. I plan on locking myself in my room each night, the laptop across my legs, and reading from the perspective as reader alone, not also the creator. I feel that approaching a piece, as the writer, from many perspectives really helps to round it out a little better. Viewpoints and all of that.

Yesterday was beautiful! Spring is underway, hopefully she can break from the clutches of winter by the weekend. What better time for a break than my second favorite season? So many things are coming to look forward to. I was reading through my resolutions and am happily startled that I have kept up with the majority of them. That is a first for me.

Sometimes I feel like I am ready to pass out or lock myself in a steaming tub with a glass of wine but once I can relax at night and I know I gave my best in every way that I could- I feel damn good.

I hope you can all say the same, loves.

~B.

For Your Amusement

This post won't be much but hopefully it will be plenty entertaining.

This is me- a little 70's-ish but still. I always have bits of paper with ideas jotted on them. For once I was passing the laptop when I got one. I don't bother to take a seat, I just hover while I type it out. :)

And this is me on edits.This here was a nice taste of frustration.

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Much love

~B.