What the hell happened to this?!

I had forgotten I had this.

Reading it is sort of depressing. I can't even find my novel much less would I do anything with it.

I have the urge to write but nothing comes out. It feels like brilliance inside my veins but only trickles incoherently when I begin to type. My mind has been my own worst enemy for the past few years. I'm no longer certain of more than a handful of things. I have been trying to outlast this overcast shadow that looms above my head, taunting me....sometimes even getting ahead of me. I can't articulate to anyone the things I have been through, the things I have felt, the little demons that lurk along the bottom of the well I try to bottle up.

It all sounds kind of dismal and bleak, but it really isn't. Because, you see, I'm still waiting. For what, yet another uncertainty because I can't answer that.

I'm just waiting.

I wanna live, I wanna love, but it's a long, hard road out of hell......



♥ ~B

The Second Coming

Slacker. It's been so long since I have posted.

So, the fourth draft is done. Well, has been done. And i'm still unsure if I want to change a few parts. Infuriating of me, I know. But such is the perfectionist. I need to start learnin' myself where to go from here with it. It makes my head swim but I figure plunge both feet in first, figure it out as it comes. If I have learned anything from my conversations with older people- no one knows what the hell they are doing much of the time.

I've decided to start writing a little more on novel 2 today. I already started it last year and I definetely need the escape. Given that I can get back into the right mindset.

56 days........sigh.

~B.

Its so simple really.

Sometimes things happen in life that make you realize just how much you have grown and changed. I'm so glad that this time I can say I have done so for the better. I feel enlightened and sure and content. The world is never perfect nor is anyone in it, but in my perfect world I could just distance myself from all the negativity and drama. Who knew one day I would be that girl? lol It has been such a struggle to get where I am today, I have fallen down so many times but i'm strong and I have my pride and I stood up each time more tenacious than before.

I have to live my life my way, for myself. And def. for my son.

So now where to go? How to navigate these paths I find myself on. I'm not sure. But I do know I will attain my happiness. I have been through too much and risen above it to just throw it all away now. I will have the life I have always wanted, one way or another. I have always known down into my bones- things have a way of unfolding. 

You are on this journey. Embrace it, grow, learn, love. Enjoy the ride.

~B.

Enjoy

Papa Joe

Well, today was not an easy day. We headed up to camp for a final remembrance. I got dropped off  and was the first there so it was nice to have a little alone time *with* him. Of course, I bawled like a little girl and ended up calling my dad. If you know me, this is no surprise on both counts. Many think i'm a snob or b*tch but i'm just as equally soft hearted, if not a bit more. And i'm not a snob, i'm just guarded. Not the point though. Then, megyn's family begins to arrive. Here I am, little weird girl sitting on a crumbling picnic table by myself in the woods, no vehicle or nothing, crying like I skinned my knees all to hell or something. My internal dialogue I believe was- sh*t sh*t sh*t.-as I hate crying in front of anyone.

Me: Hi. I'm megyn's friend. (sorry i'm making you uncomfortable seeing how you don't know me, im creepin in the woods alone, AND i'm crying.)
Her Uncle: What'd you do parachute in?

Phew. Sense of humor and ice broken. Every time I meet people in her family, I love them. To my surprise there was so much going on and so many people I got myself together, eventually. I didn't cry the rest of the day until I realized the day was over and what we had to do today was behind us. The finality did hit home again (yes Megyn I bawled again, you know how I do lol I can't help it)

So for awhile I was still gulping and my breath was still hitching when she got there, but I didn't get slapped! You see, if I had made Megyn cry she woulda pimp slapped me. lol That's not how they do. And she was so amazingly strong, she def. made him proud. Everyone spread his ashes together and it was beautiful up in the woods. We went back and all ate and spent time together. It was beautiful, one of those days in life that is so sad and yet so amazing.

Sometimes when people take others for granted or hurt people they claim to love, especially family...well I could give a million examples i'm sure- it makes me want to shake them and scream WAKE UP. Don't you realize what you're missing? What you're doing or throwing away? What you take for granted? Days like today and having a father who is so sick myself, I just want to be surrounded by those I love and who love me. No drama, no malice.  If we all spent more time thinking about what truly matters, how different would your time be spent? If you followed your heart, your soul, your gut. If you thought about your actions or your words before they leave your mouth. What if you thought of the other person as if it were you in their shoes?

I'm so proud of you Megyn. You're so much more than you know. I love you.

~B.

So much for not venting

I'm struggling to bite my tongue once again. Why is this an occurance that rears its head? Perhaps because I have surrounded myself with people I just don't mesh well with. I have no interest in your gossip, your lies, or seeing both of your faces(two faced in case you're a little slow.) I have no interest in being controlled or being your mother ( I only had one child last I knew.) or a glorified maid. I have no intention of cooling my heels while you play mind games or while you partake of some odd dominance power trip.

I've spent many years taking people's shit. Quite frankly, I'm someone's mother. If I do not show him how  his mother should be treated- who will? I am the example, the role model. It is up to me to guide him, to show him self-respect.

Point blank: I know who I am. I'm secure in myself and what I stand for. I know my worth. If you don't- not my problem. I don't have time or space in my life for this shit- time is precious.

So get ready for my wrath if you cross me. I'm too old for this.

Working Against Myself

Me: I'm a perfectionist. Will I ever stop editing?

Mom: I hope so. I loved it I don't see why you're still picking it apart.

Me: I'm just so severe on myself.

Mom: And you always have been. 

-Sigh-

Let's hope it pays off. I should be editing. Especially since I feel inspired suddenly.

A little End of Heartache-Killswitch. And stop making distractions so damn appealing!

~B.

Edited Captions

I feel like writing, intensely. But I have nothing to say. So i'm listening to Otep-nein. And waiting for inspiration. I should be going to sleep.

One of my fav. lyrics from her:
*I am made of pages, paragraphs and inspirations
paper girl, burn the world, I pass the flame to you.*

I've been concocting poetry and wondering if after the many years- will I run again? I've never once followed through, regardless of the best of intentions I often have. I walk this line of longing with rejection running along either side.The desires we all hold in our hearts, well mine contain shadows and I always run from them. The things I've always wanted send me into a panic. I know, the past doesn't necessarily set a precedent for the future, only I decide that.

I hope for the sake of this ink ensconced muse- I suppress the panic and follow through.

When you're young, you don't quite believe you'll never be who you are in those moments. But you do change, often profoundly. I always thought of myself as mature and i'm coming to see- I had no idea. Especially emotionally speaking. I realized this when I recently saw someone say- things will never be as they once were. The immediate connotation I went to wasn't exactly negative but it danced with that end of the spectrum. And then I thought, those words are absolutely right.

But what if that simply means- things could be even better.

As a loather of change, it's hard for me to admit different isn't always a bad thing. When I began to think on all of this, I was drawn to the very first line of the novel I wrote. It's a commentary on life being intertwined by free will and destiny simultaneously. What will be will be, ultimately. We decide what we do with what we are given. Sometimes we decide wisely, sometimes foolishly. I've seen this over and over again and I of course have my theories. And then you come to a place in your life with a pretty broad view and the view is breathtaking. Life doesn't begin to end after your youth, it begins to end the moment you're born. So why squander it. Appreciate what you have, unclench your fingers from fate's throat, and realize it's all about the journey. And what may come will come, let yourself breathe. Enjoy the ride.

One final note, for one certain stalker: Never think it's too late to apologize.

My lovelies~ what would I be without you.
~B.

Fed

I LOVE WRITING!


I feel so good when I write. This is bliss.

While i'm letting Novel 1 sit until yet another read through, I have already begun a spin off. Yes, you have read correctly. Premature- def. Ambitious- let's hope so. Crazy- perhaps a touch!

The lead character is very creative, always writing and drawing and taking photographs. Etc. and what have you. I like to call this project a thinly veiled biography actually but back on point. So that has been the next project I have been undergoing, a little something to accompany the novels utilizing her creativity. You'll have to wait and see just what they entails.

 Of course it will be impossible to complete any time soon. Ideally this novel will begin a series of novels to follow. So the spin off project will be spanning each of them, if not the entire series. Of course, there could always be more than one, say if novel 1 grows into a 6 book series. I would probably split the content's midsection and have two such creations to fill out the series more thoroughly.

I also wrote some poetry. It had been years. Literally. No wonder my soul hated me. I almost let it run dry.

Til once again, lovelies.
~B.

Moments in Time

My heart is heavy. With every passing day and every passing person it seems these parts of me leave with no chance of being again. People in our lives reside in these time capsules. Places, songs, movies, moments, ages, periods in the frozen memories of our time.

And when we lose someone it feels gone.

My heart aches for her. My heart aches even as it doesn't feel real. My heart aches for what has come and what still awaits me myself. And every memory brings tears but loss is the hardest on those left behind....I know he is soaring.

I miss you megan, if you're reading this. I wish I could ease your pain as simply as I used to. But this isn't then and this is no flesh wound. It's so hard to know what to say or do. Just know I love you.

~B.

A Saturated Subconscious

I woke to a rumbling sky drenching everything in sheets of rain and I couldn't bring myself to go back to sleep and miss it. So here I am writing with some coffee. Ahhhhh bliss.

There is something about rain. I've always been in love with it. Sometimes when I hear it bounding off the street I have to go outside. My skin will start to feel a little drier until it begins to dance along me. My soul begins to feel a little more relief. I've been really working on connecting, being more grounded, simpler- happier. To really secure that center I once had. So I let each drop sink into my skin. With the passing time its been working.

My mother used to have to call me in during storms. I never wanted to be under cover when they began.

The more coated I became the less isolated I felt. I was more connected, more sure. A little more strength gained, a sliver of a peace of mind- a silent sigh of relief from my core. I hope those sweet drops soaked through my skin to every last ounce of me. Tanglible or not.

So of course I came inside and began thinking. I've been worried that i've developed a detachment. An indifference. Feelings that were new to someone like me, well to that level at least. Then I realized it's not that at all. Maybe I have grown past the angst, finally, that once infused my daily life. Perhaps i've grown to have a handle on my depression. Grown past the severe attachments and involvements. Who knows where it could develop from here. It may just be a temporary layover of balance that I really needed to gain this amazing sense of calm I now have. That one illusive goal that has always been beyond me until now.

To just be. In and of itself.

But it's always much more. This state of only being, a conundrum within itself. Once you realize you really can just be, it opens into possibilities, it blossoms into taking form. Complexity after the simplicity. Yes. I want to just be. But over passing suns the restlessness of my nature will begin, the thirst, the drive. And I will want something more once again.

To be myself, to retain this ground, this center. Blissful, secure, calm. Zen. Or as close as someone who is neurotic can be. And ecstatically so.

~B.

The Undertow

I was literally just questioning myself yesterday. But this morning the mystic namelessness that always points us to little signs, little snips of wisdom, gave me the missing piece I needed to be sure.

I love the undertow.

Tomorrow is the 4th, I'm heavily in love with my family and friends, we have two full days of celebration, and I still have my father, who gave so much more than i'll ever know as a proud marine in Vietnam. I am truly blessed and thankful.

Lovelies~
B.

Wasted Time?

It's so crazy what our minds can do when we have a little time to think. I have always been a cerebral person who happens to be ruled by her overly sensitive heart as well. Odd combination. I was really missing people yesterday, in light of what day it was. I kept thinking of how much wasted time I have on my hands. It's not really wasted exactly, I am entirely grateful for every single second with my son. It's just there are people in this world, still with me just not in the flesh, and I feel like all these hours that pass without them are wasted in comparison to being with those I love. Being without equaling waste in this example.

Like i've said with everything with my father, one day becomes now.

It's a strange sensation when time catches up with you.

I did do something productive with myself, prose-wise. I already have a spin off marketable book to go with the series that I haven't even submitted yet, let alone had published! lol I like to think big. I must say my soul is much lighter lately, that seems to happen when I give into my creative nature and really feed my soul. With these endevours I really need to bring it- it being myself.

Full force, unrelenting me, in all of my creative glory. No gloves- the gloves are off. Just these keys and myself. Or perhaps......a pen.

Love
~B.